The first ray of light was out , Filtering through the wooden windows
frozen in cold. I had been waiting patiently watching through my room
the first snowfall unraveling itself in its subtle way of domination
over whole city. I had seen snow a lot of times by now, but every
single time I am amazed by its serenity. The canvas of dark turning to
morning has always been something I am intrigued by. You know how
nature has its own way of telling stories.
I have dreams that one day Ammi will be so proud of me and baba would
have been too. My younger sister zainab and me fight all the time
over who Ammi loves more. I take all her dolls and hide it in my
cricket kit. She never gets to know about it. I know I am evil that
way but I still love her and ammi says that baba left and gave me the
responsibility to take care of zainab.
I still don't know where baba went and when will he be back. Ammi
says he will be back soon. You know when he does come back one day;
I will tell baba of all the times zainab pulled my hair and took my
sweets and, yes of course baba will come with me to my cricket
matches. I have kept the ball baba gifted me when I was 7 in my
locker. When he will be back we will play together.
Till then I won’t let zainab touch it.
Ammi is always scared of one thing or the other. She rechecks to
lock the doors properly each night. Doesn’t let me go too far even
when I am with friends. Sometimes I don't understand her but maybe
that is how mothers are. I think she is scared of the wolves
outside. I tell ammi that I am strong and I am 11 now, so she
doesn’t have to worry about anything. Baba always thought I was
strong and could take care of myself.
I looked at him.
Oh my dear son, how do I tell you of my plight
For you were 8, Too young to understand evils might
He was here, with me in the warmth of our home
How will I ever tell you what happened that night?
While you were sleeping oblivious to this sight
I wish that door never was opened
I wish it was me not him
These eyes of mine witnessed grief that words can’t describe
I saw him looking at me saying good bye
with the same eyes that held my world tied
I looked at him
Trying to free myself from the restrain of these wolves
Yes the same ones I warn you of
Not animals,
For animals have soul
I couldn’t help him as they took him away from me
I felt my life leaving me
Taking along all that had warmth inside, from me
I turned cold that day
Died without dying
I heard thunder after thunder
They will never know what they have taken away from me
I told you baba left for sometime
How would I ever tell you what had happened?
I still feel him in every breath I take
I still hear his laughter in this place we had called home
I hear him narrating his dreams to me
How would I ever tell you what had happened?
I can’t forget those eyes; which looked at me in desperation
They had broken us into pieces I never knew how to fix back
Oh my dear children,
Each night I think
As moments pass in deafening silence
How could it have been any different?
For them it was another fake encounter
For me it was my world being shattered in front of me
How would I ever tell you what had happened?
This pain shall not leave me now
Till I am returned to this soil of ours
Which has soaked in, for years now
Blood instead of water
You hear the wind singing songs of grief
The rain diluting the screams
The sun to dry up the tears
And yes
The snow
Of course, your snow my dear
A cover up
Of agonizing sorrow
Penetrating the hearts
Rendering them lifeless
So tell me my dear?
How would I ever tell you what had happened?
SOS Kashmir 